Tuesday, March 4, 2008

My Darkest Days

People often ask, “Why do you get a divorce after ten years with two young children? And honestly, there is no answer that makes complete sense of the situation. I guess you can say I’m not a quitter, when I should have quit a long time ago.

There were things early on, even prior to our marriage that could have been red flags. I was a college grad, she was not. I had had my share of time away from home, on my own, she had not. She was completely enmeshed in her family’s day to day life, I was not. The list was longer but you get the point.

Maybe it was the fact that all my friends had married and I felt it was time for me to take that step. So we did it, and got married.

Two children and 10 years later we decided to divorce. After months of counseling and an inability to reach any type of resolution to our issues we filed. She was so determined to tell our 7 year old in between Christmas and New Years that I couldn’t even convince her that we should at least have all the decorations taken down. I will never forget that, and I won’t forget the reaction of telling our daughter that her parents were getting divorced and that Dad is leaving tonight. The pain in her cry was unbearable and I was told by her mom that I was just making it worse by crying with her. Our 2 year old would never know a mom and dad together.

Looking back, I should have never married in the first place. But I can’t take that back. It is one of my life experiences, and because of it I have two of the greatest gifts I could ever receive; my kids. They seem to be adjusting as best as possible. But like anything else, there are days where things just don’t seem to click. I have no idea how they feel since I knew no one that had parents that were divorced. I was also saddled with an enormous amount of guilt that has faded with time. I no longer feel guilty for the split and how it affects them, but I do carry sorrow that they will not experience a one home family. For that, I am truly sorry.

In my darkest days, I put my faith in God that he would take care of me and guide me. And He has. I have been given a second chance. I met K and fell in love. I found someone with all the qualities I should have been looking for all along. I found an equal and someone who shares my goals, my dreams, and my values. With K, we can work through the day to day struggles and come out having gained something.

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